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The greatest funny one-liners
If you’re looking for the biggest laughs from the fewest words, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve collected more than 100 of the best funny one-liners that are short, sharp and easy to deliver. And just to keep you on your toes, we threw a couple puns and jokes into the mix too!
Funniest one-liners
1. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
2. What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”
3. What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.
4. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
5. What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
6. One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.
7. A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.
8. If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
9. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nobel. Nobel who? Nobel, so I knock knocked.
10. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Alabama. Anybody with you? Nope. I’m Alabama self.
11. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ayatollah. Ayatollah who? Ayatollah you already.
12. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say, “Control freak who?”
13. The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.
14. The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.
15. My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
16. You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully and lie about your age.
17. How can you tell you’re getting old? When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
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